Maybe I should write about it...

I want to start blogging again. I think. This post is eventually an update to what is happening in the Dotson family.

There is so much going on in my mind right now. I am writing this post just moments after I was about to comment something not-so-nice on an Instagram post. Evidently it's "national infertility awareness week". I know this because social media said so. If we didn't have social media, I would never know about such days and weeks that we now celebrate, donuts, siblings, dogs, infertility...

I do think it's important to be aware of things, but how often do we just use these moments as soap box time? I'm probably about to do that... I followed a link from Instagram to a blog of someone who "struggled with infertility" (said in my most sarcastic voice). I'm no professional, but I've been through the infertility ringer. This blog starts with "I have two kids..." screams infertility, right? As someone who continues to struggle with infertility "I have no kids", that kind of sentence frustrates me because I have lost hope. She began her infertility journey in 2006, same as us, but she never had to pay for IVF because just as most infertility stories go, she ended up pregnant when she was about to take out a loan for IVF.... that didn't happen to us. We paid and we lost our babies. Most anyone who has read this, knows our story, but here it is in a flash: (if you think I sound bitter at this point, I want to encourage you to keep reading)

From 2006 to now:

• 1 ectopic pregnancy
• 1 natural miscarriage  
• 2 rounds of IVF, miscarried a single and twins
• Adoption/Foster certified 
• Fostered a 15 month old until he was 19 months

In our time pursuing adoption, we have had several people contact us with prospective opportunities. A lot of times, it felt like they just wanted our name on a list to show a pregnant mom that her baby was wanted - so that she wouldn't abort the baby. That happened a lot. Of course, I want people to know that we'd adopt their baby in a heartbeat if it came to that, but it hurts so badly when someone calls and then the inevitable happens. The baby lives, but we are still without a baby. So after our foster child left us, we had a guard on our hearts. I wasn't sure that God was going to give me the strength to do anything near adopting again.

The one thing I can say about loosing our foster son, was that the grieving was just as bad as loosing my mom. It was and is bad for both of us. I'm not quite ready to go there with my writing. I need to, but I can't. I know that if we had not had the losses prior to fostering him, we would have never known him. He heard about Jesus every day for 4 months of his life. He could answer the first 3 questions of the catechism at 18 months old. He has a seed planted in his little heart and a team of prayer warriors praying for him daily! How gracious for God to show us the Glory that came from losing babies? Some people wait a lifetime to see the glory that comes from a struggle. 

So where are we now?

On January 10, a former co-worker and friend called and asked "have ya'll considered adoption". Her daughter was pregnant and for many reasons, completely understandable, she's considering adoption, but isn't sure. I reluctantly tell her that I'm sure we'd adopt, if that's what she chose, but I'd talk to Kelly and see. He was hesitant, wait no, resistant. He's better at guarding our hearts than I am. I'm the risk taker, but that means, I'm the one that gets our hearts broken, a lot. He reluctantly agreed to travel to meet with her.

So we traveled to Jackson on January 17 to meet with her. We prayed to even be able to step foot out of the car. She has her 3 year old with her. Kelly buys her a lemonade. We talk. She says she wants to do this and the birth father is 100% on board. She says that she wants me to come with her to doctor appointments so that she can look at the screen and say "that's your baby". I'm hesitant to be excited, but I'm excited. We leave giving hugs. She tells me her doctors appt. would be next week. I go to that dr. appointment with her. We find out it's a girl. She's 18 weeks. We are getting more and more excited. 

For the next few weeks, I would check on her and see if she needed anything, she never did. At the end of February we went with her to her next appointment. This was Kelly's first time to see the baby and hear her heartbeat. He was so excited, but again, being the one that guards our hearts, he was hesitant to be excited. She gave us the sonogram pictures. We met with the lawyer that afternoon. She didn't make it because of work. Kelly and I met with him and paid him a retainer fee. She responded to a few text after that to let me know she was okay. 

Now here we are almost 2 months later and we have not heard from her. Not a word. She went silent. She stopped talking to her mom. She stopped talking to us. Not even the dignity of just saying "no" or "I'm struggling". Why do I think I deserve that? I don't. We pray for her daily. We pray for the baby girl daily. 

God has us in this place. He placed us in this situation for a reason. I can't believe it's been 2 months. We have faith that he's working on something that will glorify Him.

I'm thankful for a husband who God uses to remind me of these things. 

"The greater the struggle the more glorious the triumph." 
-Nick Vujicic, Butterfly Circus